Health News Network

#1 Winner! The Dumbbell Phone
The art of useless Japanese inventions known as Chindogu brings us a dumbell attachment for the telephone! If you wish you were building biceps instead of sitting in your cubical this stupid fitness gadget might be the answer to all of your problems. Sure, you’ll look like a tool and everyone in the office will make fun of you. But that’s not as important as those giant 12-inch guns you can develop every time you pick up the phone. But wait, it gets better… We’ll even have one of our “personal fitness trainers” call you every hour on the hour. That’s eight workouts for every day you’re in the office.

#2 The Butane Powered Pogo Stick
Part pogostick, part jack hammer, this little bastard will have you shedding the pounds faster than you can say:
h-h-h-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-w-w-w-w d-d-d-oooo-oooo y-o-o-u-u m-m-m-m-m-a-a-k-k-k-e i-i-t s-s-s-s-t-o-o-o-o-p?
Gordon’s Pogo Stick was Patented in 1958. The connecting rod for the piston is the foot of the pogo stick. The bouncing action fires the spark plug after you hop on. All you have to do is fill the tank, turn on the switch, hop on and… call your nearest personal injury lawyer. According to Gordon Spitzmesser’s son Dick, “It ran on butane, but really jumped high when we once used a mixture of acetylene and oxygen!”

#3 Prosepra WeSurf Home Surfing Machine
This crazy exercise gadget is made for all of those guys out there who want a California surfer body but live in a trailer park in Omaha. Now you can get the muscle building, fat burning benefits of surfing from the comfort of your own living room! Bottle of hair bleach and puka-shell necklace sold separately.

#4 Acu Dots
Invented in the 70’s, ACUDOT Magnetic Analgesic Patches promised “temporary relief of occasional minor aches and pains of muscles and joints.” Acu Dots are just thin magnetic strips woven inside a bandage. Wrapping it around an injury or sore muscle is supposed to utilize the magnets’ “healing powers”. Yea right… How many times are people going to fall for the same old trick?

#5 Muscle Stimulating Electrodes
This rip-off has shown up in dozens of fitness gimmicks over the years, and was even featured in a movie about Bruce Lee. They’re still used by physical therapists and chiropractors to stimulate atrophied muscles while patients are healing from an injury. But stimulating a muscle that hasn’t moved in months is a lot different than building massive biceps. The fact is, this gimmick just doesn’t work. But it sure looks like a fun prank to play on your passed-out buddies.

#6 Coin Operated Fitness Vending Machine
Another product of Japan, the coin-operated conbini fitness machine moves around under your feet. It’s supposed to strengthen your core muscles, improve balance and burn calories. We just think Japanese people are crazy. The cost? $4.00 for ten minutes. Hey cute Japanese Catholic school girl on the shaker machine thingy… I’ll walk beside you and try to trip your feet or push you over for half the price!

#7 Osim iGallop
You KNOW this fitness gadget was invented by a man!

#8 Dr. Lawton’s Guaranteed Fat Reducer
DR. Thomas Lawton (circa 1922) decided one day to glue his wife’s vibrator to the detached rubber plunger head and Ta Da! A new fat-burning scam was born.

#9 Those Stupid Vibrating Belts
As seen in countless black and white movie clips, the vibrating belt thing is a tribute to the stupidity of fat people all over the world who think they can just stand around while the cheesburgers and french fries just shake right out of them… Six little piggies went to the fat shaker…

#10 The Insect Treadmill
Just in case you ever wanted to give your fleas more exercise, this patent from 1988 helps you keep those insects healthy and fit!

Honorable Mentions:
The Power Plate: Another one of those vibrating fat-melting fads. Hey, doesn’t this thing seem familiar? hasn’t this concept used over and over again on ignorant consumers?
George’s Golf Practice Apparatus: See this patent image in upper right sidebar. Anyone crazy enough to get into this contraption deserves the years of physical therapy they’ll have to get afterwards.
The HandyTrim: Somehow spinning a piece of string is supposed to build muscle and reduce fat.
JumpSnap: A jump rope without… rope? Or cord, or wire, or anything holding the handles together at all. But it records how many times you jump. You know… for those of us can’t count and can’t jump without an electronic voice talking to us for $60 (rope snap sound simulation included) But wait there’s more! …oh, nevermind. No there’s not.
The Abtoner: Just another electrode in a pretty package.
The Twister: Well, ok this one might work out your core a bit. But that’s about it.

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